I am reflective today. I look at the path behind me and I am amazed at where I am now. I am proud of who I have become and in awe of my place in life. I do this because I am the only one to do so.

We must be our own best friend. We must enjoy who we are. If we wait for others to define us we will be lost. We would live our lives to suit those definitions and perhaps realize our mistake far too late.

What am I most proud of? I am still standing. No one but myself will ever understand what that means and I do not need for them to understand. I know. I lived it.

I'm off to Minneapolis next week for the Aerosmith concert, some shopping, and salon time. OH, and perhaps dinner at Martini Blu along with a few *cough* cocktails. I'm treating my sister to all of this as well. I think she needs to get back to where she belongs. Back to herself. I'll take my camera and perhaps share some pictures with you but don't hold your breath. I've always said "if you have the time to take a great deal of pictures you weren't truly enjoying the experience." Plus...I take the camera everywhere I go but usually leave it behind in the hotel room. I'm such a putz.

............


You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

Franz Kafka

Cal sent me an email the other day. One simple line saying he was thinking about me and was wondering what's up. *smiles* It is his way of saying everything is cool between us. So, I wrote a long email in return and he answered back and we're on for the halloween fetish bash at GZ. I think i'll be nice and let him have sex this time. ok ok so it's me who needs the sex. I admit it. I need a lil fix.

I'll let you all know how it goes. *winks*

Tomorrow I'm off to the city for salon day and some shopping. yay! Nothing like a day of spoiling myself.

So I decide that I'm bored and have ignore my site long enough. I go down the bdsm checklist and see that "boot worship" is next in line. I take each activity on the list and then try to find the most reliable information regarding this activity to share with those who belong to my yahoo group.

Apparently, unless you are willing to fork over a monthly fee you are out of luck with regard to learning about boot worship. This ticks me off a bit. I have half a mind to create my own boot worship site. That is how Submissive Loving came into being. I didn't like what I found on the internet so created my own space.

However, that requires work. I'm a busy gal. If anyone reading this has a great amount of experience regarding boot/foot worship and you are articulate enough to write about it, please consider doing so...for me.....pretty please? I do know a man who is VERY experienced at this but I can already see his eyes rolling into the back of his head as I beg him to do me this one itty bitty favor. I KNEW I shouldn't have scorned him a year ago. It seems I'm always scorning those I'm going to need a favor from later.

Really, this isn't a big deal. I'm not sure why I take it upon myself to furnish the information. What do I care if the internet is void of this information? pfffft grumble grumble...I care. I'm such a sap. Ask around. sappy cerina. that's me. grumble.

On a brighter and cuter note: My sister is due back from her Ireland/Scotland trip and I've taught my nieces who are six and four a new phrase. She'll be ever so proud of me. It goes something like this...

I'm on the computer and the girls are playing in the room behind me. They are making a great deal of noise at one point and I ask them to bring it down to a dull roar. That works for all of five minutes. I ask again. Five minutes later I bang my head on the keyboard and say "You girls are sucking my will to live. PLEASE be quiet!" Eden quietly asks, "What does that mean?" I explain. Silence from both girls for 15 seconds before Alyx pipes up, "Well......maybe YOU are sucking OUR will to live." ahahahahahaha Since then the girls have used this phrase and used it correctly. I am SO proud! *beams* ...but something tells me their mother might not find it so funny the first time they use it on her....oh please God let me be there! If that doesn't get to my sister the other phrase I coached them to say upon their mother's return should do the trick "We missed you mommy but we understand you felt the need to abandon us. It's ok." ahahahahahaha God I love those girls!!

I tried a new recipe today. I prepared by purchasing all the ingredients and went over the instructions but I was so anxious to make the meal I rushed into it head first. It didn't turn out as I had planned. The steak was overdone, potatoes were dry, and the broccoli underdone. Then...I was grumpy. Why didn't I step back and think it all out BEFORE turning on the stove?

I do this in life too. I get so excited about things that I don't step back and make sure I'm taking the right path. Education, friends, relationships.....rushed into so many of them with wide eyes and good intentions without considering all the options. I wonder if perhaps I did not want to look at the options? I think perhaps I stubbornly made up my mind that "this is the way it WILL be" and forged blindly ahead and ended up with only pieces of what I truly wanted and needed.

I see this same behavior in many men and women who discover dominance and submission. Myself included. We finally find the piece of the puzzle we've been frantically searching for and now expect that because we found it we must rush into a d/s relationship.....without reading the recipe or thinking over the instructions and how it will work for us in our unique lives, and then when it turns out dry, underdone, and unsatisfying, we get discouraged and grumpy.

Take a deep breath. Review all the facts and how they apply to you and your life. Then carefully and purposefully move forward.

"you wanted light and so I set myself on fire"

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There are people in this world who will try to destroy your spirit. It goes beyond hurting your feelings or causing you to feel sad. Unfortunately, so many of us blame ourselves when this happens. Wondering what we did to cause someone to treat us so horribly. It can haunt you and be carried with you forever if you allow it.

When someone treats another human being like garbage it is not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of who they are as a person. Pity them. They must surely be so miserable that the only release they have is to cause others pain. Pity them but do not allow them to impact how you feel about yourself or to sway you from your path in life.

"just keep telling yourself you'll be the death of me"

Finally settled into my new home and hopefully I'll be here to share more often now. Things have been SO hectic and the New Orleans disaster has my head spinning. I will be attending a Red Cross meeting this next wednesday to see if I'll be able to commit to the 3 weeks needed to go help. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I have no clue if you have read this blog. You gave away the fact you've read my site last Saturday so I guess there is a chance you read this. I'm counting on the fact you don't so I can vent more freely.

About last Saturday. I did NOT know you were going to be there. As soon as I realized you were there (I saw your famous car) I made up my mind to keep my distance given your cool reception last time I spoke to you. So with my mind made up and me in a very happy mood looking forward to seeing everyone I picture myself then...walking towards the steps pretending you are not standing near and I hear that familiar voice say hello. I gave you my patented Subtle Charming Smile and Hello when normally I give you the Full On Charm. I am thinking to myself "good girl keep walking. You're doing fine."

My sister in law sweeps in to hug me and Holly. We are being introduced to a number of people and I'm thinking "this is going very well." It was....It DID go well ...until....

I'll skip all the little things. Let's get down to the nitty gritty. I'm moving back. This little public humiliation dance you normally play with me has to stop. What happened in the past needs to stay there, ok? No one has to know except for us. We are going to be in some of the same places and at the same gatherings. Public announcements such as "it's not like I haven't seen you naked" are NOT acceptable. I don't care how gorgeous and charming you are. Your charm is only going to take you so far, Craig. And since when am I the one who has to approve the new women? She looked at me as though I were going to issue a ruling at any moment. I'm touched....really...that you think that highly of me but I am not the be all end all of relationship judges. Besides, why on earth would you start listening to me now?

I still like you. We are still going to be friends because I refuse to be beaten. Just please do not shove 'them' down my throat. *laughs to myself* She wants to go to bondage night you know. *grin* You had better know I'm taking her. OH yes. You want me to approve them? Well then, they must meet me in MY playing field. We'll see what she's made of. Game on.

He bit my flesh, slapped my face, almost ripped hair out of my head, temporarily cut off my air supply......

and I got off on it.


Of course in the moment I don't think about it but I admit that days later I do sit here and wonder why I want it.

One thing I have learned: So far, not ONE man who enjoys s&m is long term relationship material. Will I be forced to choose one or the other?

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Sometimes I'm not ok that he doesn't see me. See who I am. Most of the time I think it is better this way because I'm safe. I'm of the mind now that we should only give what we are willing to risk losing. I have no intention of losing anything anymore so I give little and only keep those around who expect little. This might be selfish but I don't really care. Gosh, do you suppose they will take my submission union card away?

I'm sure that if the right person came along this would all change but I don't expect it to happen any time soon.

I was reading Sadie's site. She went through a breakup similar to mine but at least she was given the respect of an email. It is easy to assess our worth to the other person based upon the mode of breakup. Apparently I was worthless.

So here I am all this time later and I am healing but I am irrevocably damaged. I know this and I will deal with it. I do accept some responsibility for how this turned out. I knew what I was dealing with from day one but chose to stay. He's pretty messed up but like many of us in that situation we think that love will conquer all. Sometimes there isn't enough love in the world to fix those who are damaged beyond repair. I'm not going to beat myself up because someone else is psycho and I couldn't fix it. Seriously, it is a good thing it's over now. I would hate to have wasted even more time than I already had.

That is the only thing I'm angry about still. Wasted time. Break my heart into a zillion pieces if you want to but don't freaking waste my time.

I took a few pics in New Orleans. I don't have any of my friends included in this album as I'm not sure they want their pictures shared with the world so these are just some general shots.

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