Sometimes I'm not ok that he doesn't see me. See who I am. Most of the time I think it is better this way because I'm safe. I'm of the mind now that we should only give what we are willing to risk losing. I have no intention of losing anything anymore so I give little and only keep those around who expect little. This might be selfish but I don't really care. Gosh, do you suppose they will take my submission union card away?

I'm sure that if the right person came along this would all change but I don't expect it to happen any time soon.

I was reading Sadie's site. She went through a breakup similar to mine but at least she was given the respect of an email. It is easy to assess our worth to the other person based upon the mode of breakup. Apparently I was worthless.

So here I am all this time later and I am healing but I am irrevocably damaged. I know this and I will deal with it. I do accept some responsibility for how this turned out. I knew what I was dealing with from day one but chose to stay. He's pretty messed up but like many of us in that situation we think that love will conquer all. Sometimes there isn't enough love in the world to fix those who are damaged beyond repair. I'm not going to beat myself up because someone else is psycho and I couldn't fix it. Seriously, it is a good thing it's over now. I would hate to have wasted even more time than I already had.

That is the only thing I'm angry about still. Wasted time. Break my heart into a zillion pieces if you want to but don't freaking waste my time.