A Warm Winter

The armour is falling down around my feet

His Words

He says "I am going to claim you. I am going to make you Mine. I will own you."

I can only answer with something vague and meaningless. I gave into statements like those before and answered with a breathless, "yes please! own me! take me!" To someone who was lying when he said it. To someone who lies to everyone including himself. I believe that when they say "I love you" they really mean "gosh you look good naked!"

I hide my bitterness from him because he deserves more. He has never been anything but good to me and has stood by me, rock solid, for six years. He cheered me on when I made life changing decisions, cautioned me when I was making a bad one, held my hand when my heart was broken, and waited until I was strong again to say "I told you he was a loser." He is a good man. I would burst with pride to be His. I just cannot tell him this. Yet.

Hope is a luxury.

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The night before my trip Jeff called to say he has the dates for Stockholm. I seriously didn't think this was going to happen as he appears to have difficulty penciling me in to his oh so busy schedule. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to see him, be with him, touch him, lay in bed and giggle with him. He is equally excited which kind of surprises me. He is always so cool and unemotional that it is a bit of a shock when his mushy side appears.

I purchased my plane tickets and will be in Stockholm for a week at the end of February. I'm already planning my wardrobe. Not like I'll need much for clothing but a girl should always be prepared.

I'm sitting here with the biggest smile on my face and tingles in my belly. I could not be happier.


Steven Tyler
Every year around my birthday the gods smile upon me and grant me a great deal of luck. This year was no exception.

We get to the hotel in Minneapolis and are immediately offered an upgrade for no special reason. We take it. The room ends up being a huge suite on the top floor overlooking the skyline. We were thrilled.

We freshen up and head downstairs for a nibble and drinks before the show. God forbid we should see a concert sober. A wonderful waiter named, Eric, takes very good care of us and we are sufficiently lubricated by the time we head to our taxi.

We get to the show and find that we have two of the sweetest seats in the house which happen to be surrounded by a group of the hottest men in the house. We are pleased. We flirt, we laugh, we enjoy being women.

The concert was amazing to say the least and now, days later, my voice is still a bit hoarse from all the yelling. After the concert the hotties want to know where we are heading as they would love to join us. They have extra room in the limo. We accept. A great time was had by all.

Two martinis later.....

Holly is ill. She cannot go on. We must go back to the hotel she says. I am exhausted and agree. I take her arm, we say our good-byes, exchange a few numbers, and we are out the door. I look up and down the street. Not a taxi in sight and I'm thinking we will freeze to death in the bitter cold when a super stretch limo pulls up and the driver offers us a ride back to the hotel. I swear it appeared out of thin air. Holly does too. We enjoy a quiet luxurious ride back to our hotel. Holly is snuggled in her seat with her eyes closed. She opens them and says "How do you do it? How do you always get things like this?" I tell my birthday story and snuggle up next to her. It was a great night and I could think of no one better to share it with than my sister.

The next day we spend a few hours in the salon getting gorgeous and then pillage Mall of America. A perfect end to a perfect trip.

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I can't believe I almost forgot to tell you! My sister and I went out for a couple *cough* martinis last weekend and ran into an ex lover of mine. He's more gorgeous than ever but the best part is how thrilled he was to see me. He asked me to dinner almost immediately and then spent the next hour or so making me feel like the most desirable woman in the world. What a smart man!

No. I did not sleep with him. *ahem* Will I? I'm not sure yet. I must admit the memory of his beautiful body and cock to match did make my temperature rise a bit. Seriously, this guy should be nude on the cover of magazines for the entire world to enjoy. **fans myself**

...a lil bondage....a lil cunny torture....oh dear. I had better go now before I talk myself into sleeping with him again.

ta ta kiss kiss :x


I am reflective today. I look at the path behind me and I am amazed at where I am now. I am proud of who I have become and in awe of my place in life. I do this because I am the only one to do so.

We must be our own best friend. We must enjoy who we are. If we wait for others to define us we will be lost. We would live our lives to suit those definitions and perhaps realize our mistake far too late.

What am I most proud of? I am still standing. No one but myself will ever understand what that means and I do not need for them to understand. I know. I lived it.

I'm off to Minneapolis next week for the Aerosmith concert, some shopping, and salon time. OH, and perhaps dinner at Martini Blu along with a few *cough* cocktails. I'm treating my sister to all of this as well. I think she needs to get back to where she belongs. Back to herself. I'll take my camera and perhaps share some pictures with you but don't hold your breath. I've always said "if you have the time to take a great deal of pictures you weren't truly enjoying the experience." Plus...I take the camera everywhere I go but usually leave it behind in the hotel room. I'm such a putz.


You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

Franz Kafka


Cal sent me an email the other day. One simple line saying he was thinking about me and was wondering what's up. *smiles* It is his way of saying everything is cool between us. So, I wrote a long email in return and he answered back and we're on for the halloween fetish bash at GZ. I think i'll be nice and let him have sex this time. ok ok so it's me who needs the sex. I admit it. I need a lil fix.

I'll let you all know how it goes. *winks*

Tomorrow I'm off to the city for salon day and some shopping. yay! Nothing like a day of spoiling myself.

Boot Worship & the Internet

So I decide that I'm bored and have ignore my site long enough. I go down the bdsm checklist and see that "boot worship" is next in line. I take each activity on the list and then try to find the most reliable information regarding this activity to share with those who belong to my yahoo group.

Apparently, unless you are willing to fork over a monthly fee you are out of luck with regard to learning about boot worship. This ticks me off a bit. I have half a mind to create my own boot worship site. That is how Submissive Loving came into being. I didn't like what I found on the internet so created my own space.

However, that requires work. I'm a busy gal. If anyone reading this has a great amount of experience regarding boot/foot worship and you are articulate enough to write about it, please consider doing so...for me.....pretty please? I do know a man who is VERY experienced at this but I can already see his eyes rolling into the back of his head as I beg him to do me this one itty bitty favor. I KNEW I shouldn't have scorned him a year ago. It seems I'm always scorning those I'm going to need a favor from later.

Really, this isn't a big deal. I'm not sure why I take it upon myself to furnish the information. What do I care if the internet is void of this information? pfffft grumble grumble...I care. I'm such a sap. Ask around. sappy cerina. that's me. grumble.

On a brighter and cuter note: My sister is due back from her Ireland/Scotland trip and I've taught my nieces who are six and four a new phrase. She'll be ever so proud of me. It goes something like this...

I'm on the computer and the girls are playing in the room behind me. They are making a great deal of noise at one point and I ask them to bring it down to a dull roar. That works for all of five minutes. I ask again. Five minutes later I bang my head on the keyboard and say "You girls are sucking my will to live. PLEASE be quiet!" Eden quietly asks, "What does that mean?" I explain. Silence from both girls for 15 seconds before Alyx pipes up, "Well......maybe YOU are sucking OUR will to live." ahahahahahaha Since then the girls have used this phrase and used it correctly. I am SO proud! *beams* ...but something tells me their mother might not find it so funny the first time they use it on her....oh please God let me be there! If that doesn't get to my sister the other phrase I coached them to say upon their mother's return should do the trick "We missed you mommy but we understand you felt the need to abandon us. It's ok." ahahahahahaha God I love those girls!!

Following Directions

I tried a new recipe today. I prepared by purchasing all the ingredients and went over the instructions but I was so anxious to make the meal I rushed into it head first. It didn't turn out as I had planned. The steak was overdone, potatoes were dry, and the broccoli underdone. Then...I was grumpy. Why didn't I step back and think it all out BEFORE turning on the stove?

I do this in life too. I get so excited about things that I don't step back and make sure I'm taking the right path. Education, friends, relationships.....rushed into so many of them with wide eyes and good intentions without considering all the options. I wonder if perhaps I did not want to look at the options? I think perhaps I stubbornly made up my mind that "this is the way it WILL be" and forged blindly ahead and ended up with only pieces of what I truly wanted and needed.

I see this same behavior in many men and women who discover dominance and submission. Myself included. We finally find the piece of the puzzle we've been frantically searching for and now expect that because we found it we must rush into a d/s relationship.....without reading the recipe or thinking over the instructions and how it will work for us in our unique lives, and then when it turns out dry, underdone, and unsatisfying, we get discouraged and grumpy.

Take a deep breath. Review all the facts and how they apply to you and your life. Then carefully and purposefully move forward.

"you wanted light and so I set myself on fire"

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Spirit Crushers

There are people in this world who will try to destroy your spirit. It goes beyond hurting your feelings or causing you to feel sad. Unfortunately, so many of us blame ourselves when this happens. Wondering what we did to cause someone to treat us so horribly. It can haunt you and be carried with you forever if you allow it.

When someone treats another human being like garbage it is not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of who they are as a person. Pity them. They must surely be so miserable that the only release they have is to cause others pain. Pity them but do not allow them to impact how you feel about yourself or to sway you from your path in life.

"just keep telling yourself you'll be the death of me"


Finally settled into my new home and hopefully I'll be here to share more often now. Things have been SO hectic and the New Orleans disaster has my head spinning. I will be attending a Red Cross meeting this next wednesday to see if I'll be able to commit to the 3 weeks needed to go help. Keeping my fingers crossed.


I have no clue if you have read this blog. You gave away the fact you've read my site last Saturday so I guess there is a chance you read this. I'm counting on the fact you don't so I can vent more freely.

About last Saturday. I did NOT know you were going to be there. As soon as I realized you were there (I saw your famous car) I made up my mind to keep my distance given your cool reception last time I spoke to you. So with my mind made up and me in a very happy mood looking forward to seeing everyone I picture myself then...walking towards the steps pretending you are not standing near and I hear that familiar voice say hello. I gave you my patented Subtle Charming Smile and Hello when normally I give you the Full On Charm. I am thinking to myself "good girl keep walking. You're doing fine."

My sister in law sweeps in to hug me and Holly. We are being introduced to a number of people and I'm thinking "this is going very well." It was....It DID go well ...until....

I'll skip all the little things. Let's get down to the nitty gritty. I'm moving back. This little public humiliation dance you normally play with me has to stop. What happened in the past needs to stay there, ok? No one has to know except for us. We are going to be in some of the same places and at the same gatherings. Public announcements such as "it's not like I haven't seen you naked" are NOT acceptable. I don't care how gorgeous and charming you are. Your charm is only going to take you so far, Craig. And since when am I the one who has to approve the new women? She looked at me as though I were going to issue a ruling at any moment. I'm touched....really...that you think that highly of me but I am not the be all end all of relationship judges. Besides, why on earth would you start listening to me now?

I still like you. We are still going to be friends because I refuse to be beaten. Just please do not shove 'them' down my throat. *laughs to myself* She wants to go to bondage night you know. *grin* You had better know I'm taking her. OH yes. You want me to approve them? Well then, they must meet me in MY playing field. We'll see what she's made of. Game on.

Rough Sex

He bit my flesh, slapped my face, almost ripped hair out of my head, temporarily cut off my air supply......

and I got off on it.

Of course in the moment I don't think about it but I admit that days later I do sit here and wonder why I want it.

One thing I have learned: So far, not ONE man who enjoys s&m is long term relationship material. Will I be forced to choose one or the other?

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Loving on the Surface

Sometimes I'm not ok that he doesn't see me. See who I am. Most of the time I think it is better this way because I'm safe. I'm of the mind now that we should only give what we are willing to risk losing. I have no intention of losing anything anymore so I give little and only keep those around who expect little. This might be selfish but I don't really care. Gosh, do you suppose they will take my submission union card away?

I'm sure that if the right person came along this would all change but I don't expect it to happen any time soon.

I was reading Sadie's site. She went through a breakup similar to mine but at least she was given the respect of an email. It is easy to assess our worth to the other person based upon the mode of breakup. Apparently I was worthless.

So here I am all this time later and I am healing but I am irrevocably damaged. I know this and I will deal with it. I do accept some responsibility for how this turned out. I knew what I was dealing with from day one but chose to stay. He's pretty messed up but like many of us in that situation we think that love will conquer all. Sometimes there isn't enough love in the world to fix those who are damaged beyond repair. I'm not going to beat myself up because someone else is psycho and I couldn't fix it. Seriously, it is a good thing it's over now. I would hate to have wasted even more time than I already had.

That is the only thing I'm angry about still. Wasted time. Break my heart into a zillion pieces if you want to but don't freaking waste my time.

Photos of New Orleans

I took a few pics in New Orleans. I don't have any of my friends included in this album as I'm not sure they want their pictures shared with the world so these are just some general shots.

View Photos

I'm Home!!

It feels good to be back home in my own bed but the craving to hop the next plane back to New Orleans is pretty strong. I had a fantastic time!! I drank (big butt ritas), ate (spicy creole), shopped (came home with 2 voodoo dolls), flirted (the men there spoiled me ROTTEN), toured ( the Garden District took my breath away), gambled ( a man who spoiled me almost to death gave me $1000 to play with), .....and that was all in day ONE!

Who We Are

Can you say there is someone who knows you? Really knows you. The inner you, the darkest parts of you, the fragility of you? If you do not protect yourself, will anyone else do it? Does anyone want to? Have they ever?

No one has ever known me. I must protect myself because there is no one else to do so. Never has been.

Countdown to New Orleans

Four days until my trip to New Orleans and I have nothing done. I am a die hard procrastinator until the end. This is not a plus. The apartment needs to be cleaned so my guest isn't horrified upon entering, the new carry on must be purchased, my mystic tan appt needs to be made, and I should put a hold on my mail.

On top of all this my period which is normally here right on time has decided to mess with my head and be LATE. I timed the vacation around my cycle and this is the thanks I get?

Cal is pouting because he can't go. He's a great guy but I don't need him messing up any quality flirting time I might get in New Orleans. Male friends are fabulous up until you realize other men will not approach you because they think you are together. Cal doesn't get this. I'm not surprised.

I promised him he could go along on the New York trip. New York will be primarily shopping for me and Cal is going to submit his portfolios to modelling agencies. That is if he's not feeling bloated or anything. *rolls my eyes* Ladies.....think twice before ever dating a model. Trust me on this. It is a constant barrage of questions like "does my six pack still look good? Do I look thick around the middle? Are my teeth white enough?" Oh and my favorite part is going out to the clubs...."I slept with her and her and her and ....I think maybe HER. " "That woman over there is checking me out." "is there something in my teeth because women aren't checking me out tonight"

Although, he's been pretty good since I told him his six pack would be the least of his worries after I threw him down the stairs.

Go Live Already!

I have watched hundreds of people over the years spend a great deal of time discussing what makes one a lifestyle Dom or submissive. I sometimes wonder if they do so hoping the definition will be molded to fit them. Here is what I think:

I think you spend too much time analyzing and not enough time living. No one really cares about these definitions other than you. So shut up and go DO IT ALREADY.

From the archives of chat:
I spend all of five minutes a day in chat and the following was observed by me as I passed thru one particular bdsm room....

A male said about another male: "He uses bold black font hoping to hide his inadequacies" It occurred to me then.....I think most in chat are there hoping it hides their inadequacies.

Time is Running Out

I think I'm drowning. Asphyxiated. I wanna break this spell That you've created. You're something beautiful. A contradiction. I wanna play the game. I want the friction. You will be the death of me. Bury it. I won't let you bury it. I won't let you smother it. I won't let you murder it. Our time is running out. You can't push it underground. We can't stop it screaming out. I wanted freedom, bound and restricted. I tried to give you up but I'm addicted. Now that you know I'm trapped. Sense of elation. You'd never dream of breaking this fixation. You will squeeze the life out of me. Bury it. I won't let you bury it. I won't let you smother it. I won't let you murder it. And our time is running out... You can't push it underground. We can't stop it screaming out. How did it come to this? Yeah you will suck the life out of me. Bury it. I won't let you bury it. I won't let you smother it. I won't let you murder it. Our time is running out... And our time is running out... You can't push it underground. You can't stop it screaming out. And how did it come to this?


Maturity is the ability to control our impulses, to think beyond the moment, and consider how our words and our actions will affect ourselves and others before we act.

One would think at my age it would not be difficult finding 'mature' partners. One would be very very wrong.


I will be using this blog to not only express personal thoughts but also to make notes regarding future articles for my site. I'm currently finding my train of thought about dominant males and what I want to say about my need for them. I have a theory that I'm playing with. Dominant males vs. Lifestyle Dominants


1. Exercising the most influence or control.
2. Most prominent, as in position; ascendant.


1. Authority or ability to manage or direct


Control is very sexy. A man who is in control of himself, his life, and his surroundings is very attractive. It attracts me, like a moth to a flame. It attracts others as well. I now believe that it is not power which attracts us but the control they seem to have over themselves. As though we hope some of it will rub off onto us and end the chaos that we know.

Favorite Thoughts

"My love is like the ocean. It is different on each shore it touches."

"I had to wonder if men were so blinded by beauty that they would feel privileged to live their lives with an actual demon, so long as it was a beautiful demon"

Relaxing Weekend (sort of)

C. did not call this weekend to go out. I imagine he's still smarting regarding last week's outing OR it wasn't my weekend for booty call. *laughs* How on earth do I get myself into this?

Anyway, I spent most of the weekend working. I'm always so anxious about money that there is never enough. I could win a 20 million dollar lottery tomorrow and I'd still stress over cash flow. I also put in time on the site. I've really let the site go over the last year and a half. I feel badly about that but I am trying to make up for it now.

In between my seven thousand projects I read the book The Paid Companion. I can't seem to put it down. I think I'm living through the two main characters. The witch.....she's living MY fantasy! She's a paid companion to a dominant, successful, respected, well educated, well groomed, wealthy Earl who just happens to be wildly passionate. I just KNOW he'd enjoy kink. I can just tell. *grins* Seriously, if they had injected some kink into this book I'd read it over and over again until the pages fell apart. This fantasy that I've always had is a personal thing. Not sure I could ever explain it here. It's sort of a beauty and beast thing. I tend to get off on cool and distant men.

Joining the Herd

I have decided to join the blog community. Right now I'm working on zero sleep so I do not have much to say but that will come in time. I'll use this blog to speak more personally about myself and submission. My web site is for the masses and I have difficulty sharing too much of myself there. Actually, I have difficulty sharing too much of myself most of the time but I'll make a go of it. Be patient with me.