A Weakness?

I just can't seem to hate people for life. Someone does me wrong, I'm angry for awhile and pretty certain i'm done with them, and now I get the feeling something has gone very wrong for them...and I want to reach out. I want to make sure they're ok and give them a hug. At the same time I feel like a moron because I'm positive I was not treated well by this person. Am I weak? Maybe Jeff was right...I'm naive and let people take advantage of me? I don't know. I just can't stand to see anyone hurting. It makes me crazy and I feel like I need to help fix it. A little voice IS in my head saying "uhm...this person wasn't very nice to you so no, don't you DARE reach out". *sighs* I hate this tug of war.

Licking My Virtual Wounds

Ok, so it's been awhile (many years) since I've involved myself with anyone online. Those of you who know me from way back might know why (meeting Satan himself). Jeff (who is not Satan) and I have been over for a couple of years and while I still miss him I do realize I need to dip a toe in the water and once again at least try this whole intimacy thing everyone is so fond of. Online seemed safe. Good lord my memory is short. I had forgotten what a drama laden adventure it can be and NOW there are visuals! God help us all.

I won't bore you with he said/she said details. It's sufficient to say that I'm a bit more attention starved than I had thought. I like to play as though I don't need anyone but it appears that is not the case and I admit defeat. I got my virtual feelings hurt and have been moping around like a kicked puppy. (Satan will enjoy that i'm sure). There wasn't time to fall in love but I had grown a bit attached and was really enjoying someone's company when I got kicked to the curb. (I have some thoughts about what happened and will share that in another post which will be vague so that you *cough* won't know who I'm talking about...yeah right) Anyway......I ended up tossing a baby fit. You know the kind, the usual "you are dead to me" line. Yes, I can be a touch dramatic. *rolls eyes at self*

I've been sick to my stomach all week over this. Not because I'm mooning but due to the feelings that I thought couldn't happen and my horrific reaction to it all. I would have sworn I was above childish behavior and would behave in a dignified manner. Wow was I WRONG.

Cerina Does Second Life

Chatting has always been a nice passtime for me but it was getting stale. A good friend of mine from Yahoo has been in Second Life for 2 years now and finally talked me into giving it a go. I was pretty bored at first but oh man, it's addicting for a wannabe shopoholic such as myself.

So, I'm in the process of figuring out how to move Submissive Loving into a new realm. The bdsm community there is a bit different as much of it revolves around role play. I'm not on earth to judge people. I'm all about everyone getting through this messy life any way possible. I keep my opinions to myself and I'm playing a bit. It's an amazing place which allows the fantasies in your head to "come to life" so to speak. Yesterday, I experienced a few sims that blew my mind. The creativity of human beings takes my breath away. I honestly didn't think Second Life was for me until I saw what others have created here. It's a whole new artform that can be awe inspiring at times.

I've bought land and put up a house. I still haven't figured the place for Submissive Loving yet, but I will. I think it's time it moved into the new millenium and me with it.

oh, I have a great story about my visit with the Scotland guy that I met on vacation in Ireland. We met up again in New Mexico. Fabulous and funny story. I promise to share it soon.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It's October and already I'm feeling the effects of the gray skies and cooler weather. The alarm rings in the morning and it's almost painful to get out of bed. I feel as gray as the sky.

I grumble about living here in the north where it is so dismal six months out of the year and those who hear about it suggest I move. I would move in a heartbeat if I didn't love my job so much. I know for a fact I can do my job from anywhere in the world UNLESS I truly need to see a hard copy of the documentation. Apparently my boss says it will be over her dead body before she allows working from home. She tried it once and it didn't go well. Maybe she'll die soon? The others just want to work from home. Me? I want to work from another state or country. Keeping the faith and sticking pins in voodoo dolls.....wishes do come true now and again, right?

John says it's freezing in China. Apparently the government controls the heat in that country and it's not to be turned on until late November. So perhaps I should quit my bitching about the state I live in. At least I'm not in China where I might be homicidal after taking a shower in freezing temps.

Speaking of November, less than one month until John and I see one another again. Skype has been working well for us and it's allowing me to get to know him better before what could have been an awkward second real life meeting.

What's funny is that most everyone thinks he and I met online. At least the online people all think this. They cannot seem to fathom meeting people any other way. Interesting no?

October 18, 2009

One month since Ireland. John and I have kept in touch using skype. Gosh technology is wonderful. He works in China and will be there for, I believe, another 2 years. I have no clue where this is going, if anywhere.

We're meeting in New Mexico next month. I wasn't going to go but my friends talked me into it. One friend in particular really feels I need to at least give this a chance. I guess I agree.

I didn't want to be pushy or freak him out but I 'needed' to know if he was open to ....uhm...the "spicier" side of sex. I had some inclinations from our weekend in Ireland that he might be. It was awkward bringing it up. It went something like this:
"Uhm....errr.....there is something I feel I should tell you. I'd hate to scare you off so soon but...*LONG PAUSE*....and then I stumbled through words so quickly that I couldn't recall precisely what they were if you held a gun to my head.

Then I noticed a look of relief on his face. I think that the way I began my confession may have sounded as though I was going to tell him I was really born a man, or married, or something MUCH more scary than being a freak in the bedroom. Oh, I can laugh about it now, but it was awkward as hell at the time.

So, long story cut short, he's open to it. I am relieved. We'll see how this goes. I know I should have waited to get to know him better as a man but I felt it might be wasting my time going through the getting to know you process just to be disappointed in the end. He'd have to be the most amazing man ever for me to get through the rest of my life faking sexual enjoyment. I stand by my previous words. Sex is NOT the icing on the cake. It is one of the main ingredients. Without it, there is no reason to eat the cake.

Lucky Ireland

So this time around I traveled alone. I was nervous and a bit scared the day I arrived in Ireland. I spent 3 glorious days in Dublin, managed to collect a stalker on day 3 who followed me to Galway, Ireland on day 4. By the time the train arrived in Galway I had made up my mind that I'd have to be downright mean to the man to make him go away. "Nice" attracts the stalkers. He went away...thank God.

2 days in Galway, 2 days in Killarney, and then I went back to Dublin for the last 2 days. You know, the scenery is so beautiful in the countryside that words do not exist to accurately describe it, but I was blissful to be back in the city where I felt much more at home.

So, it was on the evening of Day 8 that I met, John. I was staying at a posh hotel in Dublin where one can stay relatively cheap if they're willing to accept one of their shoebox sized rooms. I had taken a nap and gotten all dressed up for the evening, headed downstairs to a patio in front of the hotel for a smoke when a well dressed, nice looking man wanted to know "what bloody time is it in this country anyway??" I was more than happy to strike up a conversation with him. We spent the rest of my time in Dublin together. He's currently working in China where he works as an engineer and is from Scotland. His accent is so thick that I spent a great deal of time nodding and smiling because I had no clue what he said. I sincerely thought that last morning that it had been a nice fling and we'd never see one another again. That was ok with me. Something in the way he put his arms on my waist, looked into my eyes, and gently kissed my lips .....and I thought "oh my god I think this guy actually LIKES me!" He will be coming to the states at some point for work and would like me to meet up with him when he does. I'm not sure how I feel about that right now. I really cannot say that I'm ready to ever do long distance again. Rather than make a snap decision, I'll stay quiet and just let things play out.

The most amazing things happen when we venture out alone.


I'm so excited! I purchased my plane ticket for Ireland! I've put off travel so far this year due to the economy but found myself going a bit batty. Then, I stumbled across a SWEET airfare deal and just couldn't pass it up. I need this. I need to run away for a bit. Ok, so it's not until September, but it gives me something to look forward to again. Now let's hope the world isn't wiped out by the swine flu before then....

OH my gosh. I need to run out and get the fabulous tiny camcorder I've had my eye on. It fits in the palm of your hand and will easily tuck away into my purse while traveling.

The Rubber Ball Report 4/27/09

After a bit of drama between my sister and her boyfriend on saturday morning, the three of us hit the road for Minneapolis. We were behind schedule so we didn't spend as much time at my Mall as I would have liked. The boyfriend is uninvited for next year. I'm not sure what happened between the two love birds and I don't care. Do NOT mess up my Rubber Ball weekend.

We finally get to the hotel shortly after 8 p.m and I was exhausted. I wanted to badly to take a short nap but my hair takes forever to dry. Being naturally curly, hairdryers are out of the question when I'm planning on going curly for the night. 45 minutes later, despite my best efforts, the hair was still playing hard to get. I knew I should have booked an appointment to have it done but OH NO, I could not possibly have saved myself a ton of grief.

So now, i'm feeling pissy. Very pissy. This is not good. God help everyone if my makeup doesn't turn out right. It does. Hair - 0 Makeup - 1 Clothing?

Yeah...uhm....ok, I"ll share. *takes deep breath* So, about a month ago I decide the twins need help in the lift department. I'd purchased a few new tops that really needed spectacular cleavage. I know! I'll buy the new "Cleavage Cupcakes". They are gel inserts which are supposed to push the Twins upward and inward. No one warned me this might not work so well with D cups. Yes, I got a bit of lift, but not what I had been hoping for. Next time, duct tape.

Hair-0 Makeup-1 Clothing- 1/2

Let's fast forward to the Rubber Ball because the next 15 minutes was just me having a fit that my sister cannot be on time to save her life.

The music was awesome as usual. Thumbs up Mr DJ. But what the f*** was up with that Madonna song you slipped in at the end?! I can only guess that someone secretly laced your beverage with a roofie. Or had the fumes from all that rubber affected your thought process?

TONS of great outfits!! HUGE thumbs up to the two naughty nurses in latex. Cat woman was a yawn. That is soooooo last year, dear. The Rubber Dolls. This was my first year experiencing 'The Dolls' and I'm still not entirely sure what to make of it all but it certainly did boost the atmosphere. It turns out that Rubber Dollies are a completely new "fetish?" that I was unaware existed.

Flogging. I saw one woman take a beating that would have had me crying for my mommy.

Trampling. I don't think that would have worked as well for the man if the women who trampled him had weighed over 108 lbs.

Fish Hook man. This is where I ran for the stairs. The thought of this man being pulled by the front chest and upper back by a series of hooks through his flesh was too much for me to bear.

Tony the Boot Kisser. Halloween you worshipped my sexy boots and you dare to pass me by this time??? omg I"m so hurt. I may never scowl at you again.

Lots of hot women to gawk at but alas, not one hot male that made my heart pitter patter. Not even ONE flirtation this time around. My night is never complete without a little eyelash batting. My sister and I danced a bit but by the time we had the dance fever, Mistress Jean felt it was time to interrupt the music every 15 minutes for a skit, or fashion show, or for a Dolly parade. Look, the skit was cute. I still want to know who you got the strapon to gush that much liquid. The fashion show and the parade we all could have done without. It killed the momentum of the night. If we all have to fork out an extra five dollars each next year to keep from being forced to watch the "commercials" I'm sure it would be fine.

All in all I had a fabulous time and next time I'll show go, it will be for the usual Bondage A Go Go night. NO MORE MADONNA or I form a coups and hang the dj from suspension hooks.


Gratitude - Tuesday April 21st, 2009

Today I am grateful for having a job that I love. As many know, I am passionate about travel. So, being able to talk about travel with people all over the world Monday thru Friday is heaven on earth. Ok, so 'some' of the people do get on my last nerve, but they keep me on my toes and provide the challenge I crave. (no, i'm not a travel agent)

I am grateful for my sister and the rest of my friends who have never ceased to support my unique desires and interests. In chatting with bdsm folks from around the globe, I realize that I am one of the lucky few whose nilla friends happily join me for events such as The Rubber Ball. The first year that I talked them into going I was nervous about their reaction and found myself tickled pink that they had just as fabulous a time as I did. Each year, they hunt me down and beg to be part of the group attending. I am truly blessed.

Back in the Game?

I married and divorced in my early twenties and I had the type of marriage which caused me to vow I would never marry again. Everyone said those feelings would soon go away. They didn't. I entered into serious relationships over the years but marriage was not an option. This lead me to believe that I was broken beyond repair.

I used these past years since the divorce to heal and work on my relationship skills. After all, I am the one who chose him.....and chose the men after him. My choices gradually improved and I think that now I think i'm healthy enough to choose wisely.

About six months ago I began feeling a certain longing for a partner in life. A true partner and not just "Mr. Right Now". I want to ensure that I really do have what it takes to be a good partner and so I'm putting a lot of thought into what I need to do to bring a relationship back into my life. A healthy relationship. One that won't cause me to doubt my self worth, require drama, or embrace chaos and believe it is love.

I have no clue where this will lead, if anywhere, but I'm willing to take you along for the ride.