My sister is going through a breakup right now and she is understandably quite upset about it. They've been together for a couple of years and I believe she felt this would be the person to spend the rest of her life with. Little snag....money. My sister works very hard. She owns a home and is raising 2 daughters. She thought she'd found someone who not only wanted to be with her but was also willing to embrace her daughters as his own. He seems to have a never ending supply of money for his toys but it appears helping to pay his portion of the household bills is out of the question. My sister struggled with this and fought with him over money MANY times. She's done fighting and has asked him to move out.

On the surface it appears to be simple but she also struggles with her feelings for him. I can tell you that he's a great guy to be around and we all like him. I knew from the beginning there would be issues but of course I couldn't say anything. The heart wants what it wants and nothing anyone could say would change that.

Last night was "moving" night and she didn't want to be home, so I invited her and the girls to spend the night at my place. I bought a couple bottles of wine and opened myself up to listen to her get it all off her chest.

Here is where it gets interesting. (At least it does in MY mind) Her points: 1) He only works six months of the year as the business he owns is seasonal. Because it is his business, he does not get unemployment during the other six months. She pays for everything. 2) He is uninterested in my sister's stress over household bills. 3) He makes purchases for himself only during the six months off 4) She is not finding him as physically attractive as she did in the beginning as he has gained quite a bit of weight over the last 2 years. 3)He's a Momma's Boy and she feels she is his second mother rather than his girlfriend/partner. She's lost respect for him.

HOWEVER

1) She likes that he's laid back and doesn't easily get upset 2) She has fun with him 3) She loves him

The interesting part? After speaking with her, it is obvious she is doing what we all do. Thinking she can brow beat him into CHANGING. "He's everything I want except.....(insert gripes here)"

My take on it? NO, he is not everything you want. You want a man you respect and has not only his interests in mind but actually cares about your best interests and well-being. You need someone who is an active partner in life and you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he has your back at all times. You need to know this relationship is the ONE place you are safe. The ONE place you are loved. The ONE place where nothing bad can happen to you. So.....no matter how charming, cute, and fun to be around he may be........he isn't The Guy. And yet, I see you struggle with this. That amazes me. Loving someone feels great but if they're not actively working towards a great relationship and only care about themselves, it isn't going to work no matter how much you cry and scream.

I am amazed by people who will stick it out no matter what when they KNOW they're with the wrong person. I've done it myself and I wish I could go back in time and kick myself in the head for being so stupid.

I told my sister to stop being so concerned with what He is or isn't doing and to begin being concerned about herself. He isn't going to change. So, if she can live with who he is RIGHT NOW...keep him around. If not, let him go.

Poor thing. I just want to hold her and tell her everything will be ok. It will be, but she won't hear those words right now. Right now, her world is crumbling and all I can do is listen and offer my support.

I was thinking about a man that I'd 'been with'. I was lying on my tummy with him lying on his side next to me. He was spanking me, tugging my hair, and telling me what a delicious slut I am. Then, The Look, came over his face. I knew it immediately and so did my body. One would swear an invisible hand swept over his face and as it revealed his forehead, eyes, nose, and mouth, the change followed. He changed and I changed with him. My breathing became shallow, my heart pounded, and my thong became soaked.

I live for that Look. I know anything is possible and the excitement is almost too much to bear. It's in those times that he pushed my boundaries and my limits. Afterwards, I'd lie there in a warm, fuzzy daze. Amazed and a bit pleased with myself that, "I did it!"

It's a bit like going on a rollercoaster. The anticipation while I wait in line and listen to the screams of those being thrashed around, up and down. A small amount of fear as I wonder, "oh my god can I do this? Maybe it's too much for me." My heart pounds as I take my seat. My breath caught in my chest as the car makes its way to the top. And yes, the blood curdling scream as my car hurtles it's way at 60 miles an hour to the bottom of the hill only to turn me upside down, round and round. Please make it stop! I can't do this. How long is this ride anyway??? Hang on....I'm not sure, but I'm quite certain this is enjoyable. woohoo!! I jump off the ride in the end. I'm all out of breath and my blood is pumping hard through my veins. Again! I want to go again!

This is why I have a difficult time with people listing off their limits before they've ever stood at the edge of what could be a great thrill. Sitting here, sipping my coffee, far removed from anything even slightly resembling s&m. It would be very easy for me to say what I will and won't do. The truth of the matter is, that with the 'right guy' and the 'right circumstance' and oh-my-god-that-LOOK...lots of things are possible.

Embrace the possibilities rather than belittle the unknown. A new world could open up for you.

The Webster's definition of obsession:
1: a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling ; broadly : compelling motivation
2: something that causes an obsession

You know how when we're madly in love we wake up thinking about the object of our affection, go to sleep thinking about him/her, and fantasize about them every free moment of our day? (OK, maybe it's just me)

Today, I was reflecting about how much time I've spent during my lifetime obsessively thinking about men I've been in love with and it occurred to me that this is a huge waste of my time. It would be great if I could obsess over something that would benefit my life. Such as career, education, entrepreneurial ventures, etc. Imagine what I could accomplish if I could switch gears?

Obsessing over a partner is pointless since we will either make it work or we won't. I'm not saying we should never give a thought to our love life. I just think it would be far more beneficial if we spent an equal amount of time exploring ways to better ourselves and, in turn, THAT would result in strengthening our ability to be an excellent partner.

....just a thought

cerina x

I have a new lover. A fun lover, a cool lover, a lover who makes my evenings enjoyable. My new Wii game. I have the sports package and am waiting on the Wii Fit package to become available. I feel like a kid again and I love it! It was a christmas present from my parents. Thank God they don't see me as "all grown up" just yet and they recognize that no matter the age, we're all children at heart.
Surprisingly, boxing has become my favorite. There is no better way to work off aggression than to kick some ass when I get home. If only we could fashion the opponent to resemble someone we're angry with.......oh to dream. It's not a bad workout either. I'm shocked at how much I get lost in the battle and I shiver a little with joy.

May I never grow up.

After being horribly ill for one whole week, I finally returned to work today. yay! I've never been so happy to go to work in my life. Cabin fever was setting in and it felt like I was going to lose it. I'm not accustomed to being shut in for 7 days. That was awful. Let's not do that again, ok?

I have something of a scary boss. She seems to have no patience and looks like she's scowling most of the time. I like her. I like her because she doesn't sugar coat the facts and I always know where I stand. However, I was petrified to return to work after a week off. I was positive she'd be upset and that I'd get the cold shoulder. So, I walked into the office and many people immediately wanted to know how I was feeling. After a few minutes at my desk I saw everyone turn back towards their monitors which can only mean ONE thing. She's coming.

I believe that I speak for everyone in that office when I say we had a bit of a shock. You could have heard a pin drop as my boss stopped by my desk to ask how I am and (no lie) gave me a huge hug and said she's happy to have me back. Speechless. No one spoke for about 10 minutes after that. (but I swear I heard keyboards rattling as they frantically emailed one another to gossip about it) It felt fantastic and I'm still smiling.

The ugly bit: Work was piled to the ceiling. New messages went on forever in my inbox and my voicemail......ugh...we won't discuss that. I'm still pretending the red light isn't screaming at me to tell me I have 100 messages. People tend to freak out when they go an extra week without hearing whether or not they're getting a check from me. That's the best part of my job. Writing the checks. It's a blast giving money to people who found themselves in a frustrating and expensive situation while travelling. Yes, there are those who try to take advantage of me. (you know who you are) However, they don't get up as early in the morning as I do. *snicker* People who are trying to work the system and get away with something are my favorite pet projects. I live to make their life a pain in the ass.

Anyway, enough about my job. (which I love) I'm just happy to be back among the living.

I've noticed jealousy is still a topic of discussion. Someone said her Master was going to scene with his ex-submissive and she was jealous. When she vocalized this to Him, he felt she was being overly dramatic I guess and having issues. I supposed the nilla version of this situation would be a boyfriend or husband sharing an intimate physical moment with his ex-girlfriend or wife. The jealous submissive was clearly upset not only about the scene but that her Master couldn't wrap his head around why she is jealous.

At 17 I dated someone who was also dating four other women. I'm pretty sure we all knew about one another. We were kept apart. My time with him was mine and their time was theirs. Sometimes I was jealous thinking they could give him something I could not but he made me feel so special and unique that the jealousy wasn't very strong. Mostly, I was determined to be the last girl standing. I was. I then broke up with him for someone I knew only wanted to date me.

I married the one who only wanted to date me. Early in our marriage he began some type of affair with a co-worker. I'm still not sure how far it went and I don't really care. I was never jealous. The only negative emotion I felt was anger. How dare she think she's better than I? I mean, that's the only way she could have imagined snaring him. Thinking she's somehow better. Right? I was not jealous because I wasn't all that in love with him and quite frankly, I wish I had pushed him towards her. I wasn't jealous because she wasn't giving him anything I could not give him and I knew that. Later, I left him. I left him and ended up in the arms of someone who worshipped the ground I walked on because he wasn't smart enough to know better.

A few years into our relationship, Mr Not So Smart was sleeping with someone else. For a moment I was frantic. Not jealous. I was frantic because he was my crutch and if he left me for her, I would be alone and out on the street. We somehow worked it out and he stayed awhile longer and I believe was still sleeping with someone else. (condoms where they shouldn't be along with panties which were not mine in the bedroom. Do the math) Once I was strong enough to be on my own, I left him. I left him to be alone.

After a couple of years of not dating or sleeping with anyone, I decided I needed sex. I had a great deal of fun getting to know more than a few very sexy men. They were skittish at first. I'm sure they thought I'd expect something from them. Once they realized I did not, we were fast friends. I would see them with other women. I was not jealous. I did not want them as I did not see any of them as relationship material. After all, they were sluts. *little grin* The other women were not taking anything away from me nor did they pose any sort of threat. Eventually, I stopped sleeping around and we all parted ways.

After a year or so, I'm not really sure how long it had been, I began an emotional relationship with a man. I saw a few red flags but we were all grown up now and I feel that people should be forgiven for their past and allowed to have the benefit of the doubt. After all, I had a bit of a checkered past myself. It wasn't long into the relationship when I noticed he had a need for female adoration. All females must want him. At least that's MY take on how it was. I was angry because there were lies and I was also jealous. He told me how fantastic I was but if that were true, why did he need their company? I felt they could give him something I could not. The jealousy and anger grew to ugly proportions. I wanted to be the last woman standing. (apparently I learned nothing in the past, huh?) I should have left him but I did not out of pride, ego, anger...I don't know really. He left me.

I had a long run as something of a mistress on the side with a married man. I was not jealous. She was not taking anything away from me and I knew precisely where I stood in the relationship. We left each other. I needed something else and he needed to feel good about himself.

Here is how I view jealousy now. It is a red flag. It means the relationship I am in is not making me feel good about myself and I feel lacking. I might even feel he is too good for me? It means there are serious issues to be addressed. I've been watching men who I believe are truly in love with the woman by their side. They don't seem to have a deep desire to garner attention from other women. They appear to only be concerned about their woman's attention and what she thinks of them.

I've been watching women who are jealous. They appear to feel very insecure and have little trust they are the only one able to make the man happy. Right now, I feel pretty secure with myself. But then again, there are no men in my life at this time. Hopefully, I've learned from the past. If the green eyed monster shows up.........I will leave.

The Fantasy of Acceptable 'Non-Consent': Why the Female Sexual Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn't)
By Stacey May Fowles, Seal Press. Posted December 29, 2008.
There is a guilt and shame among women who have fantasies of their own violation and express a desire to be demeaned.

This article is far too huge to post here so I'm including the link. Enjoy!

The Fantasy of Acceptable 'Non-Consent'

After watching my co-workers drop like dominoes from illness this winter, I was truly beginning to think I'd be unscathed by this toxic time of year. Just when I was enjoying my immortality, I was taken out by some nasty little bug. I'm feeling a bit like Goliath. Taken out by something so small.

Of course this is where my "other face" comes into play. The facade of "I can take care of myself" melts away into a puddle at my feet. Leave it to this toxic little bug to unmask me. I want someone to stroke my forehead and run to the store for Gatorade. Someone to coo over me and yes, feel sorry for me. I'm such a fake.

Let me tell you about last night.

I spent much of the day and night going from bed to couch and back again. Feeling worse with each hour that ticked by. The neighbor living below me is a male in his 20's who has gone a few rounds with me regarding stereos and parties past midnight. I've talked to him nicely in the afternoon, screamed at him and threatened death at 3 a.m, and still he persists. So, a few weeks ago I called the police thinking that would scare him into silence. It worked ......for awhile. Last night at 1:50 a.m I called the police again. The dispatcher is pleasant and says she'll send someone.

Fifteen minutes later it goes deathly quiet downstairs. I smile to myself and close my eyes thinking I will finally get some sleep. 6:30 a.m comes around rather quickly and I need every second of rest I can get.

All remains quiet for a bit. Then, I can hear the cursing and stomping around below me. The pouty boy is ticked off. For about 15 seconds he cranks his stereo full blast. I imagine this is his shining moment of defiance. It goes quiet again.

I am just about to fall asleep when I hear a knock at my door. I stumble to answer it and find a police officer standing there. He says, "This is going to sound silly, but the boy downstairs called us saying you were stomping on the floor". Of course I was not. I stated that I am above the age of 15 and I do not play games at 2:30 in the morning. He smiles and says he didn't believe the boy and then asks what the issue with us is. I explain that I have tried, my sister has tried, and no one is having any luck getting the little idiot to understand he needs to be quiet after a reasonable hour. I further explain that my family owns the building I live in and I'm trying my hardest not to evict him but Boy Wonder isn't making it easy.

At this moment, we both hear a door on the lower level open and we can tell someone is standing there. I smile and whisper, "He must be curious about our conversation". The officer peeks over the landing and says, "Nick, come up here" Now please". We hear movement and can tell Boy Wonder made his way to the stairs. The officer then moves towards the stairs saying "Nick, I want to speak with you." No lie......the idiot kid RUNS back to his apartment and shuts the door. Uhm....I've done some stupid things in my life, but running from a police officer is definitely on my DO NOT ATTEMPT list.

So, now the officer is not happy. He goes downstairs to Boy Wonder's door, knocks, and says, "Nick. You are not in trouble at this point, but if you don't open this door and come talk with me and your neighbor, I'm going to have to write you a ticket." Boy Wonder doesn't speak. Nor does he open the door. His middle name MUST be Moron.

The officer comes back upstairs to speak with me. He takes my name and number. Boy Wonder is getting a ticket. The officer, who is awfully cute by the way, then says he believes the kid was coming upstairs to confront me and that if he gives me any trouble I'm to call him immediately.

Just when I was losing faith in the local P.D, they come through. You know, I felt foolish calling them but Boy Moron Wonder left me no choice. Needless to say, you could hear a pin drop tonight.

So that was my early morning excitement. If only Officer Hot were a bit older. He looks like he just graduated. sigh. He had me at "hello". Those men in uniform and their power. hmmm....I wonder if he's into bondage? I am SO using him as my next masturbation fantasy. Sorry if that was too much information. Night all. I'm off to lie on the couch looking pathetic and helpless.

I finally did it. After 3 years of telling everyone I know that I was going to do it, I actually went through with it. I hired a maid.

Sounds simple enough, right? Oh you are so wrong. Three years of guilt eating away at me. I'm female and I'm supposed to be able to do it all just like Martha Stewart. My home should be spotless after working 60 hours a week and I should be able to entertain 20 people on a moment's notice. That's what they said! I bought into it. So now I feel this relief mixed with guilt. The Maid hasn't started yet. I can't bring myself to call her and set up the day and time just yet. She's probably thinking I've bailed on her. Her name and number scream at me from the post it note on the refrigerator. "Call me dammit! You need help!" I know I can do this. I know I can pick up a telephone and dial the number. ..........tomorrow......I'll call her tomorrow. Yeah, that's it.

*smiles to you* So, do you suppose this will make me less desirable to dominant men? The fact that I'm not very domestic could hurt my chances, huh? Wait......Jeff has had a maid since childhood. But then again, there aren't a lot of "Jeffs" in this world. He would understand. He would NOT understand my guilt. The next man might think me frivilous. Maybe I won't say anything. I can just let the men think I CAN do it all. oh wait.......that's false advertising.

All of us partake in false advertising when we first meet someone, don't we? My sister in law lived with my sister for five years before she ever met my obsessive compulsive anal retentive brother. She was a slob just as much as Holly and I were. Then, she fell in love, and apparently cleaned like a crazy person before my brother would visit. Holly and I never gave up her secret.

My sister comes off as being shy and quiet when men first meet her. A year later, her boyfriend sits in stunned silence as she throws a temper tantrum and swears like a sailor. Bet he never saw that coming.

Another friend of mine likes to pretend she has a lot of money and has it all together. A year later, her new boyfriend is cancelling wedding plans as he figures out he'd inherit her debt. She isn't allowed to even have a simple checking account as the banks have given up all hope for her.

My family and friends say that my false advertising is giving off an air of confidence, always having it together. They say this is wrong because the men are attracted to the confidence and then later when they find out I'm not as strong as I seem, they are turned off.

What if we threw it all out there and laid ourselves bare? I did that once. He left me. Turns out that to snag the man you want, you gotta play the game. It's worked for everyone else I know. At this point, I'm the only one who is single. So perhaps I need to dial that maid's number and throw my hat into the ring. Bring on the mask!!